But I Will Run Again

I can’t run.

It’s not that the doctor has told me not to run, or that I am deciding to take some time off. Or even that I’m too busy or don’t want to run.

I can not run.

The pain in my knee and calf is too severe. My walk is a limp most of the time. I try to run and it’s at best a fast limpy convulsion that doesn’t really resemble running.

I saw an orthopedic doctor last week who said my knee pain stumped him, because structurally, my knee is fine.  He gave me a cortisone shot in my hip, because occasionally children present with knee pain that stems from a hip problem.  I was skeptical, but willing to try, because the pain has gotten that severe. Over the course of the day after my shot, my knee pain subsided, and by the time I woke up the next morning, I had 75% pain reduction.

I was elated! It was working!  As the day wore on, all the pain seeped back into my knee, and now I am in the same pain I was in before the shot. To say I was disheartened and frustrated would be an understatement. I sobbed to my mom, to a wonderful woman at work, to my family, to Chris…

I can’t run.

I tried to run yesterday, slow – painfully slow. I made it a half mile before honestly could not run another single step. I stood on the street corner and stretched and pleaded for my knee to just work.  I choked back a few tears, and I continued on, but at a walk.  I limped/walked another 4.5 miles, determined to at least get in a considerable amount of steps and try to keep my heart rate up enough to get something out of it.

The thoughts don’t stop. Will I ever be able to run again? Will the knee pain ever go away? Why doesn’t anyone seem to know what the problem is, so I can work to fix it? What if I can’t ever run again? Who am I if I don’t have running? How will I get in shape and lose some weight so my knee has less pressure, if I can’t run? What if I need surgery? What I I get surgery and it doesn’t fix it? What if I can never run again?

I’m determined to find an answer. I hate how expensive going to doctors is, especially when they don’t know what’s wrong, ordering tests and trying injections and so on.  But I’m not going to live with this pain and the inability to move.

I can’t run.

Right now.

But I will run again.

Running will always be there for me, even if I have to take a few months off.  Time to heal, time to strengthen, time to rebuild.  This scares me beyond measure because I am scared it is unfixable.

But I will run again.


Monday Mentionings: February 8

What a week, friends! I have so much to catch ya’ll up on this last week.

Monday started out with a visit to the orthopedic doctor.  As I wrote earlier this week, and then wrote some revised thoughts, my meniscus is not torn, and my knee is structurally in tact,.  I ended up with cortisone shots in my hamstring tendon and popliteus tendon, and I was advised to not run for the rest of the week. So I did just that, didn’t run for the rest of the week, and actually didn’t work out at all from Monday until Saturday, due to other things on my schedule and appointments that were previously made.

Photo Feb 01, 3 17 56 PM

Jazzy was sympathetic to my knee frustration, and made me feel better by being cute and cuddly.

Photo Feb 03, 8 35 33 PM

I also took my money tree to work that I bought last weekend, and got it all set up nicely with my other desk pretties.

Photo Feb 04, 1 52 25 PM

Thursday night, I went to Ladies Night at KC Running Co.  I got to spend some quality time with my best, and we got to check out some new Adidas shoes and eat some yummy Burger Fi food.

Photo Feb 04, 7 52 26 PM

Jazzy was super helpful getting ready for something new and exciting that was about to happen! (more to come in a couple pictures…)

Photo Feb 06, 5 29 44 PM

Saturday! I got to run! I met up with Amy and we ran at Black Bob Park, on the gravel trails.  I followed my doctors orders, and only ran 1/2 mile at a time.  We did 1/2 mile of running, followed by a couple minutes of walking, and repeated that 4 times, to run a total of 2 miles.  Overall, my knee felt pretty good… I took a cycle class at the gym before we ran, and my lungs could definitely tell I had no cardio for a week, but other than that, my knee really did feel pretty good, and I was cautiously optimistic for running Sunday at the Kickoff 5k.  We finished out a beautiful Saturday by eating some delish Joes KC BBQ, picking up our race packets for the Kickoff 5k, and getting pedicures!

Photo Feb 06, 11 20 37 AM

Sunday morning was the Kickoff 5k! I wrote a bit about how my knee felt in my race recap, but overall, it was a great race, and my knee did alright.  I’m taking tonight off from running, and will take a cycle class instead, to make sure I’m not doing too much, too quickly.

Photo Feb 07, 8 49 10 AM

Sunday continued to be a busy day! I met up with a my boss from DCF in Hays, and we ate an amazingly delicious Mexican lunch at K-Machos!  I hadn’t seen her in over 6 months; it was really great to catch up!

Photo Feb 07, 12 35 49 PM

Biggest news of the week: World, meet my new ROOMMATE!  Michelle, my bestie for forever, is going to be living with Jazzy and me for a few months!! I’m so excited about this, and I just know it’s going to be a fantastic transition time for what Michelle has going on in her life right now!  We celebrated by unpacking some of her stuff, having pizza and watching the super bowl and drinking huge amounts of wine!  ROOMIES!!

Photo Feb 07, 6 13 17 PM

What did you think of the super bowl commercials? And halftime?  I liked Beyonce and Bruno Mars!  But so many of those commercials were not worth the money, in my opinion.