I am divorced.
Wow. That’s a sentence I never imagined I would say.
I thought that when I married James, just over 4 years ago, that it would be for life. I was head over heels in love. We were high school sweethearts; it was meant to be. To say a lot has happened in the 11 years I have been with James would be an understatement. I have changed. He has changed. It is extremely unfortunate that our paths could not continue to be intertwined.
Last year, when we moved to Kansas City, I think one of James’ biggest reasons for moving was to try for a fresh start, a new beginning, and in some ways, to run away from some problems. I wanted to move too, but I also loved our life in Hays. My family was in Hays, my friends were in Hays, but I, too, wanted to move to KC in search of bigger and better things. I settled into life in KC wonderfully, I met up with a running group and immediately made lots of friends. I was promoted at work, and now have a job that I really like. I’ve found a yoga studio with a wonderful instructor. I have bloomed here in Kansas City. James did not find the same happiness and success here that I did. He was not happy in his job, he did not connect with old friends the way he hoped to, and in many ways, he felt stuck.
I knew he was unhappy, not necessarily with me or our relationship, but in life. Moving to Kansas City did not magically fix everything; I hoped it would, but feared it would not. In March, he sat me down and asked for a divorce. I was stunned, but knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t sure. It was a weekend full of tears, heartache, and shock. I told him that although it was not something I ever wanted, I understood and would not fight him. Two days later, we jointly filed for divorce, and last week, we went to court and it is now officially over.
I moved into a new apartment with Jasper, our cat, and have settled in over the last couple months. It is still hard to believe that it really is over, that I am a Fleharty again, that I will have to mark the “Divorced” box on paperwork, that James won’t be a part of me any more. Many people have told me that I am handling it well, and that time will heal and I will move on and find someone who deserves to be with me, and that I will be happy.
The truth is, I am happy, though a part of my heart has died and 11 years of my life were spent loving someone with all of my heart and soul, and now it’s over. The truth is, a part of my heart will always have love for James, he was my first love, and nothing can take that away. The truth is, I know I will be okay. I have the best support system there is. I have family who love me unconditionally, I have a wonderful group of friends in several areas of my life, and I have confidence that I will heal and find love again.
The truth also is that it really sucks in the here and now present moment. I am sad to not wake up to James at my side. I’m sad to not share my day with him, to eat meals and watch TV and to not have someone know every part of me. Friends who are divorced tell me that it may take a year or two, but I will embrace myself, I will find myself, and I will be a stronger, more confident woman because of the struggles I am enduring now.
I do not have hate in my heart for James. I hope he is able to find himself, to find what he needs, but I will also mourn the loss of our love for each other and for the future we could have had, together. Though I am mourning, I am also embracing my tomorrows, the tomorrows that are mine, and mine alone. I am determined to make my tomorrows all they can be, and use this unfortunate circumstance to truly discover myself and rise to the challenge of fulfilling my dreams.
With brave wings,