But I Will Run Again

I can’t run.

It’s not that the doctor has told me not to run, or that I am deciding to take some time off. Or even that I’m too busy or don’t want to run.

I can not run.

The pain in my knee and calf is too severe. My walk is a limp most of the time. I try to run and it’s at best a fast limpy convulsion that doesn’t really resemble running.

I saw an orthopedic doctor last week who said my knee pain stumped him, because structurally, my knee is fine.  He gave me a cortisone shot in my hip, because occasionally children present with knee pain that stems from a hip problem.  I was skeptical, but willing to try, because the pain has gotten that severe. Over the course of the day after my shot, my knee pain subsided, and by the time I woke up the next morning, I had 75% pain reduction.

I was elated! It was working!  As the day wore on, all the pain seeped back into my knee, and now I am in the same pain I was in before the shot. To say I was disheartened and frustrated would be an understatement. I sobbed to my mom, to a wonderful woman at work, to my family, to Chris…

I can’t run.

I tried to run yesterday, slow – painfully slow. I made it a half mile before honestly could not run another single step. I stood on the street corner and stretched and pleaded for my knee to just work.  I choked back a few tears, and I continued on, but at a walk.  I limped/walked another 4.5 miles, determined to at least get in a considerable amount of steps and try to keep my heart rate up enough to get something out of it.

The thoughts don’t stop. Will I ever be able to run again? Will the knee pain ever go away? Why doesn’t anyone seem to know what the problem is, so I can work to fix it? What if I can’t ever run again? Who am I if I don’t have running? How will I get in shape and lose some weight so my knee has less pressure, if I can’t run? What if I need surgery? What I I get surgery and it doesn’t fix it? What if I can never run again?

I’m determined to find an answer. I hate how expensive going to doctors is, especially when they don’t know what’s wrong, ordering tests and trying injections and so on.  But I’m not going to live with this pain and the inability to move.

I can’t run.

Right now.

But I will run again.

Running will always be there for me, even if I have to take a few months off.  Time to heal, time to strengthen, time to rebuild.  This scares me beyond measure because I am scared it is unfixable.

But I will run again.

b1110e4b97e25342feef882d51c1ed2a

MM: May 8

Monday! As is becoming normal, I didn’t take any pictures except for the weekend.  The week went by fairly quickly between work, running, workout classes, and baseball.

Friday night, Chris’ band had a show at the All Star Rock Bar. It was tons of fun! In between shows, and after Chris’ show, I was watching the #Breaking2 attempt – Nike was sponsoring 3 elite runners to attempt to break 2 hours in the full marathon. They were trying to take 2:57 off the World Record time.  The attempt was not world record eligible due to pacers and hydration techniques, but it was really fascinating to watch.  I’m sure other bar-goers on a Friday night thought I was odd for watching a marathon at a bar, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do!

Photo May 06, 12 06 46 AM

Saturday, lots of errands were completed, and then Chris and I ran 2 miles in the evening.  We also saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 Sunday, we got up too late to get an early run in, but headed out to Shawnee Mission Parkway around 10:30. It got warm! Spring is definitely here, after temps in the 40s last weekend, it was high 70s, and the sun was hot.  I managed 6 miles, hoping for 7, but it was rough in the heat. Chris had stomach problems and dropped out after 1, but kept me company on my 1.5 mile loops, seeing him and grabbing water every 1.5 miles until I was finished.

Photo May 07, 12 51 21 PM

The boys enjoyed a short Sunday afternoon nap too. They are so very precious together.

Photo May 07, 4 06 12 PM

Sunday night we made burgers, corn on the cob, and baked beans. If it’s going to feel like summer outside, we’re going to eat like summer!

Photo May 07, 7 31 23 PM

I’m excited to go home this weekend to see sisser and her baby bump (squeee!!!), celebrate the baby shower, and have at least 3 amazing snoballs. Have a great week!